So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
