i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
