i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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