your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I love you. Go after that dick
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