yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
