my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
