I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
