Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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