When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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