If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize