I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
