I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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