My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.