I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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