I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
