I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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