apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
