honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
