Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
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he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
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I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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