Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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