That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
