if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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