My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
