Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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