He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
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Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
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I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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