well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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