If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
