I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
