I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
