just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
