Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
