my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
