I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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