Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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