So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
They took my balls.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Randomize
