just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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