well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
