You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
