I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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