i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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