so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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