We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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