I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
