how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
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HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
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dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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