I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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