dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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