Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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