I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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