in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
