That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
