we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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