I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
