At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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