he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I wish there were birth control emojis
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
