My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
