He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
