If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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