Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
