when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
