Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
